[post-canon] outside a war is waging

[notahawkingbird]

tell me everything that happened,
tell me everything you saw.
did you see the closing window,
did you hear the slamming door?

they had lights inside their eyes
they moved forward and my heart died
please, please tell me what they looked like,
did they seem afraid of you?

they were kids that I once knew.

( in the aftermath of cassie and jonas' deaths, and nate's flight back into the timestream, the young avengers have disbanded.
   but life goes on and the only thing anyone can do is cope. )


xxx

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[notahawkingbird]

[ It's been a long, long time since she allowed herself the luxury of being held.

Her family isn't the type to do hugs or little gestures of affection, at least, in the way her mother used to before she'd passed away. Her older sister is alright, Kate supposes, but she's no longer around as much as she used to be before her marriage and they were never very close to begin with. As for her father... Kate mentally shakes off the thought and opts instead to lean into Tommy's solidness. ]

You look like a wreck, [ the words are muffled when she murmurs them against his shoulder and she pulls back, still encircled in his arms, to get a second look. ] Have you even slept?

[ Her hand comes up instinctively to brush at the strands of hair that have fallen into his eyes. It's not a gesture she would normally do, but it's been a rough week at school and her peers have seemed nothing but inconsequential and shallow in the light of everything else. ]

[crotcharrow]

[He holds her tightly against him, resting his chin on her shoulder. He's not really one for gestures of affection either. His mother was never really there for him in between the drinking and abuse and his father had his new family to pay attention to rather than deal with a delinquent teenager. And that had always been fine with Tommy. He didn't need them, and they didn't need him.

This is different. Kate is part of his new family, ven if they hadn't seen each other in months. He actually lets himself care about her a great deal, actually lets him risk getting kicked in the guts again by letting her in. And that's saying something. He doesn't even really let Teddy hug him, and they were rapidly becoming close.

He laughs wryly when she pulls away, looking up at her with his panda eyes, giving her a half smile.] Yeah. I mean, not for a few days, but.

[The gesture makes his expression soften, and he looks up at her, trying to figure out what she was thinking.]

What about you?

[notahawkingbird]

Some. [ She shrugs, but the gesture is tired, half-hearted. ] Not very well.

[ The words are out before she can think to edit them. It's just that... she's been pretending to be okay in front of everyone at school. At least at home her father kept mostly to himself, so she didn't have to try as hard. It's gotten easier over the last few months, wasn't as bad to keep up appearances as it had been during those first few weeks when news of the death of Cassie Lang, Young Avenger had been a hot topic for the gossip-mongers at school.

That was the tough thing about keeping your identity secret.

When things like the death of a comrade happened, you mourned in silence. Alone. ]

Sorry, um, [ she steps back in a gesture of invitation. ] Come on in. It's only me here. Dad's off on a business trip to London and won't be back until next Wednesday at the earliest.

[crotcharrow]

[Tommy isn't sure if any of them have slept since everything happened. He knows Billy really hasn't, and with Teddy keeping a constant vigil beside him, the idiot hadn't slept much either. They were all exhausted and emotionally frayed, and all having a hard time keeping things together. He had thought that Kate would have been doing better. She had Eli still, and her family. And friends at school, he figured. To see her like this sort of makes him want to kick himself for not coming sooner. He's been going to Canada and Europe and he should have been coming here.

He swallows thickly when she steps away and looks around the room for the first time since he stepped into it, moving into the house more so she could actually close the door. Tommy's never been in Kate's apartment, so he does spend a good few moments looking around the hall, standing a little awkwardly since he wasn't sure where to go.]

Shoulda told me. [he looks back at her and runs a hand through his windswept hair to try and tame it a little.] D'you know how boring it is at house Kaplan?

[notahawkingbird]

I'll keep it in mind for next time. [ The smile she offers him doesn't really reach her eyes, but it's something.

She doesn't tell him that she'd been afraid to call. Had been afraid that if she'd have dialed that number she would have been in a cab headed over to where the Kaplan's lived... the same place that Tommy and Teddy lived now.

It had felt like the best idea at the time. Hang up her suit in the far back of her closet between dresses so expensive and so uncomfortable she never wanted to see, much less wear them ever again. Stow her bow and arrows in a safe place, away from prying eyes.

What she hadn't counted on was the way she would automatically tense whenever the news picked up on the activities of the heroes who practically littered New York. Or the way the archery range seemed too constricting. To tame.

No. Calling Tommy would have been a mistake. Just as ignoring Teddy's initial bout of texts had been the better decision all around. ]

Hey, don't just stand there. [ She had no right to be Hawkeye any longer. She wasn't fit enough to lead. ] If you're hungry there's stuff in the fridge. Or we can order pizza or... something. [ She had no right to want back in after she'd said no more. ]

[crotcharrow]

[he smiles weakly, rubbing the back of his neck, following after her.] I did too. [Okay, that doesn't make any sense. Words, Tommy. He hurriedly adds:] Missed you, I mean.

[And now he's not looking at her because that's admitting more than he'd rather, so he goes back to shoving his hands into his pockets and looking at the apartment. If he had known what was going on in her head... Teddy was the only one who knew he'd been getting out of the house, doing stuff on his own. It was different--not the same as working as a team--and though it managed to blow off his steam, he's not sure he likes doing stuff on his own. It's almost sad.

He perks a little at the mention of pizza. Even though he's just had dinner, Tommy's appetite is rarely sated.]

Pizza sounds good. [he moves to stand next to her. And then sudden;y he's not sure what else to say. Like they had been apart for so long that they'd somehow lost touch with how to talk to each other. Well, that was stupid. They might've been through a lot, but they were still the same people, still friends, right?]

How's Eli doing? Teddy said he stopped texting him a couple of weeks ago.

[notahawkingbird]

[ It feels like they're strangers and it's nagging at Kate because this is Tommy. He helped her break into Avengers Secret HQ to get her bow back when Clint Barton had confiscated it after she'd lost a bet that he could do a Robin Hood. Who flirted unceasingly and made her laugh and feel like every moment was the high of an adrenaline rush. This is Tommy and this shouldn't be awkward at all.

But it is, because it's like they're two dance partners out of step and it's as frustrating as hell because the truth is, Kate is exhausted. She just wants to reach out and curl up with a friend and maybe cry out the rest of all the anger she feels over how by doing what she felt was the right thing, everything's just gone all wrong.

And then he brings up Eli.

And the papers she'd picked up from the floor are somehow scattered on the parquet all over again and Kate doesn't know if she has it in her to gather them all up again. ]

Why would you ask th... [ Her voice is barely above a whisper. ] The last time I spoke to Eli was when we met at the pier.

[crotcharrow]

[Tommy's stomach lurches when the pages fall to the floor. This is why they were dancing around each other. It had been too long. They had no idea what the other has been through, and they weren't sure where to exactly start. And then she starts to talk, and Tommy's face falls. He'd never been Eli's biggest fan, but he would have thought that he would have been there for Kate. Out of all of them, Eli was supposed to be there for Kate. And apparently, he wasn't.

Tommy has no idea what to say. He's been struggling to come to terms with everything, but. He'd at least had Teddy. Even if the support had mostly just been shouting matches and stifling emotions. And Kate had been here all on her own, trying to get over the death of her best friend and now apparently, the abandonment of her... was Eli ever her lover?

Tommy sure did feel like a jerk.

He glances down at the papers and then back up at Kate, frowning at her.]

...Shit. Kate, I didn't know. [he takes a step forward.] I thought he'd... Oy.

[and then without waiting for her to do anything he wraps his arms around her waist and tugs her close, protectively.] Fuck, I'm so sorry, Kate.

[notahawkingbird]

[ That whole metaphor about tears breaking through like a dam? Totally spot on.

The first sob wrenches it's way out of her like something frantically scrabbling towards the sun. Her arms come up as Tommy steps close, her fingers curling along the curve of his shoulders to just hold on.

It's not that she wasn't used to duking things out alone. She'd learned a long, long time ago that a great many things in life you had to deal with like a pilot flying solo. People came and went. Sometimes they stood by you, walked arm-in-arm with you, but only for so long before they left for good or stepped back because there was only so much that could be asked of people.

Whatever battles you had, those, Kate had learned, you fought on your own.

And then came the Young Avengers crashing into her life teaching her that maybe, just maybe... alone didn't have to be the first and only choice. ]

I couldn't-- [ she hiccups and falls silent, the muscles along her shoulders tensing, her arms tightening around Tommy as if to ask: please, don't let go, just let me hold on a little longer. There are so many things. So many regrets, so many words left unsaid. But suddenly, miraculously, here was that one feeling seeping through as she finally let herself take comfort from another.

This is home. She thought. Right here. Just like this.

She'd been so afraid that she wouldn't be allowed that much. And it feels so good to be proven wrong. ]

[crotcharrow]

[Tommy has never been one to know how to deal with extremes of emotions. He's never had anyone there to teach him what to do, or how to deal with his own emotions, let alone other peoples. Being with the Young Avengers had helped him somewhat, but still, seeing Kate like this--strong, amazing Kate--had him frozen to the spot. All he can do is hold on and let her cry out as much as she needs, his grip tightening around her when she starts to speak again.

What could he say? It'll be okay? Don't worry? Hardly. Eli had left, Cassie and Vision were dead and they were torn into fragments of the people they once were. Billy never spoke a word and Teddy was practically wasting away trying to get Billy to react to something, anything. And Tommy was stuck in the middle of it, not sure what to do, having lost the only family he ever really had. God, he wants to just change everything back, make it how it used to be, them all messing around, sneaking into the Avengers mansion, beating up bad guys. This was almost unbearable.

Tommy leans his head against Kate, his grip tightening and pulling her close. He did nothing to stop her tears but hold her firmly, letting her know that he was here and it was okay with his body movements alone. The itch of being confined for too long was starting to take hold, telling him to let go to losen up, but he ignored it and swallowed thickly, one of his hands lifting to the back of Kate's neck, his eyes stinging a little suddenly an unexpectedly. She had felt like this for so long, and he hadn't bothered to check up on her.]

I'm so sorry.